jokes thread

[molzy13]

post your jokes here

no racism or sexest jokes

ill start. heard this one on another forum


A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled
the room.

What are you doing?" she asked.

I'm waiting for Michael to come home from work." The daughter-in-law answered.

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied.

Love dress? But you're naked!"

Michael loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me".

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and
saw her laying there so provocatively.

What are you doing?" he asked.

This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?".

[Justin Fox]

Santa's inbox.

http://cache.gawker.com/assets/images/gizmodo/2008/12/santafinalfinal.jpg

[JDMpulsar]

^^very well done! such attention to detail.. reminds me of this one...

http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f200/hunnipie/pensionbook-1.gif

[MrThanh]

http://thanh-do.net/temp/Who1.jpg

http://thanh-do.net/temp/Who2.jpg

http://thanh-do.net/temp/Who3.jpg

http://thanh-do.net/temp/Who4.jpg

http://thanh-do.net/temp/Who5.jpg

http://thanh-do.net/temp/Who6.jpg

[wal]

Prince charles was revesing the rolls out of the garage when he felt a bump then heard a yelp.
He jumped out of the rolls raced around the back to find that he had ran over the queens favourite corgie, killing it.
worried about being told off by his mother, he thought he would quickly bury it and pretend that he knows nothing about the missing corgie.

He grabbed the shovel and stated digging a hole, when all of a sudden he dug up a bottle with a cork still in it. He ripped the cork out, and a geinie appeared. For letting him out of the bottle, the geinie gave the prince one wish.

"Ok can you fix the corgie?", the prince asked.
The geinie took a good look at the dog, then said "its all broken and mashed up, its too much to ask for"
Charles then took a photo out of his wallet and asked,"Can you make my wife, Camilla look pretty?".
The geinie took a look at the photo then said, "I will fix the corgie!!".

[Tim]

Had a look for a jokes thread, found this one and thought I'd bring it back to life. I here the good joke occasionally and I'm sure you all do to. Post them up!

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children..

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jaz, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."


"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

[Tim]

My Ex and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,'
she answered. I then said,
...'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying
'Yes..'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's how the fight started...

[Ride True]

These are my favourite jokes :) :) :) :)

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Tomorrow will be another addition from the Chuck Norris fan club... yes me.

[Tim]

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'

'My husband's.'

'What happened to him?'

The woman replied, 'My dog attacked and killed him.'

She inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'

The woman answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'

[Tim]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she responded. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

" Really? What happened?" asked the doctor?

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped his self straight up, with fire in his eyes and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the table top! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!

" Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?


"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm a sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

[hellotreacle]

I used to have a girlfriend with eczma.

Cracking tits!

[Tim]

Got my son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers .

I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for my birthday.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.


It was around then the fight started......

[Purt]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MkZojMToFNE

[Purt]

Last one was good, but this has to be the funniest one...

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=1a4_1281381116

[Tim]

Jewish Sex

No matter what this husband did in bed; his wife never achieved an
orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure,
they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of
you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will
help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young
man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help
and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the
Rabbi.


'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man
make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the
same strapping young man.

The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the
towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she
has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him
triumphantly,

(Wait for it)









'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!'